


Better

by patrocchilles



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 3x15, Coda, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Episode: s03ep15 Eddie Begins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:55:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23880424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/patrocchilles/pseuds/patrocchilles
Summary: When Eddie finally tears his eyes away from the television, his face is twisted almost as if in pain. He meets Buck’s gaze, searching for some kind of answer, and Buck is terrified of what he might find.“Can you explain this to me?” Eddie implores, voice gruff and filled with a desperation that startles Buck.Buck can’t speak, or look away, or even blink. He feels frozen, fear like ice in his veins juxtaposed with the burning sensation in his throat and lungs. It’s getting harder to breathe and he thinks he might be having a panic attack, but he has to say something, because Eddie won’t stop looking at him and he doesn’t know how much more of this deafening silence he can take.“I’m sorry, I-” Buck whispers, and then lowers his voice even further, if it’s even possible, “I didn’t want you to see this.”
Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 438





	Better

**Author's Note:**

> You can expect almost every one of my fics to be partially inspired by music; this one comes from the song by SYML. I know I'm a whole ass week late, but idgaf. I am a university student first and a buddie clown second, unfortunately.

“Okay, listen up. Buck here is gonna get some thermal cams. We are going to fan out and do a grid search.”

Bobby is delegating tasks to members of the 118 and the other rescue crews that had come to aid in the search for Hayden, and now Eddie. His tone is firm and commands respect, everyone is hanging onto his every word, save Buck, whose mind and heart are currently elsewhere, buried 30 feet beneath the earth.

Buck stares ahead at the ground before him, expression blank and eyes unseeing. He can barely register what Bobby is saying at this point, all he can think about right now is Eddie. If he’s still alive, and the chances of that diminish with every passing second, he must be cold, terrified, and so utterly _alone._ Just the thought is enough to bring the sour taste of bile into his mouth.

Buck hasn’t given up yet, far from it, but he is not blind to the mounting despair in the faces of his teammates, and their fear has begun to leach into his bones and dig at his soul. The 118 has not lost hope, but Buck knows that there are others who believe they are looking for a body.

“LAPD copters are on the way. We’ll use their thermal imaging to scan this wider area. Try to pick up Diaz’s heat signature.”

“Won’t be easy. I’m pretty cold.”

Buck hears Eddie before he sees him and almost doesn’t believe his ears, calling out to him just to make sure he’s real. The crowd parts and Eddie stumbles forward, falling to his knees as the last of his strength leaves his body. Buck does not hesitate to rush to his side, hauling him up off the ground unceremoniously with Bobby’s help.

Eddie is soaking wet, his uniform caked with a mixture of blood and dirt, but Buck could care less. He grabs Eddie’s hand like a vice and pulls him close, Bobby supporting him on the opposite side as they lead him to the ambulance, Hen and Chimney trailing behind them.

Buck could cry with relief, and the grin he wears tugs at his cheeks almost painfully. He watches Eddie intently, and every shuddering breath from his lips is like music to Buck's ears. Eddie is alive, and he’s safe now, and nothing else matters.

Bobby sits Eddie down in the back of the ambulance and moves away to let Hen and Chimney do their jobs, but Buck can’t bring himself to let go. Thankfully, he doesn’t have to as Eddie weakly pulls on his arm to bring Buck down onto the bench, leaning into him for support as soon as Buck is beside him.

Their hands remain firmly clasped and pinned between their thighs as Hen and Chimney exchange a knowing look before completing a primary survey of Eddie’s condition. They determine that he is moderately hypothermic and likely aspirated water while he was trapped, as evidenced by his rasping, laboured breathing.

“I think we should bring you to the hospital, just to get you checked out and hopefully get you some antibiotics so you don’t develop pneumonia.” Hen says with care, and Eddie gives a feeble nod of his head in answer, rubbing his cheek into Buck’s shoulder as he does so.

Chimney places an oxygen mask over Eddie’s mouth to offset any possibility of hypoxia and Hen bundles him up in an emergency blanket to conserve body heat and then a thick, woolen blanket, which she also drapes around Buck’s shoulders as an afterthought.

Hen stays in the back of the ambulance to continue monitoring Eddie, and Chimney shuts the doors behind himself before climbing into the driver’s seat up front.

They make their way to the hospital in silence, everyone too exhausted from the night’s events to make any attempt at striking up a conversation, but Buck knows he needs to keep Eddie awake, so he intermittently tightens his grip on Eddie’s hand, and Eddie responds in kind each time.

When they arrive in the ambulance bay, there is a doctor and nurse waiting outside with a wheelchair to receive Eddie. Chimney had radioed ahead to notify the hospital that they would be bringing in a patient with non-life threatening injuries and as such the medical staff did not appear overly concerned with what shape Eddie would be in.

Hen places a gentle hand under Eddie’s elbow and assists Buck in helping him out of the ambulance and into the wheelchair in front of them. She gives Eddie’s shoulder a quick reassuring squeeze before stepping back and returning to the ambulance to wait for Buck.

Buck’s gaze flickers between Eddie and the medical staff, who all share a similar expectant look, and it’s then that he realizes he’s still holding Eddie’s hand. He hastily releases his grasp on the other man, as if burned by his touch.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Eddie replies, trying his best to comfort Buck with a tired smile, “I’ll see you soon.”

With that, the now exasperated doctor and nurse turn on their heels and escort Eddie into the emergency room. Buck has always had trouble staying on the other side of those sliding glass doors, but when they close this time, he feels the tether within him being cut, and Eddie slips through his fingers for the second time that night.

* * *

Hen makes the judicious decision to sit in the cab of the ambulance with Chimney on their way to the station, leaving Buck to his own devices in the back. She can’t imagine what an ordeal this evening has been for the blonde, and knows that he must be struggling with having to leave Eddie alone so soon after getting him back.

Bobby is in the hall waiting for them when they return; the rest of their crew have already taken off and been replaced by the next shift. Buck is the first to exit the vehicle, and Bobby greets him with a weary, sympathetic smile.

“How is he?”

“He’s gonna be alright.” Buck sighs, fatigue etched into his features in harsh lines, but his elation is just as evident.

“How are _you_?” Bobby presses, tentatively placing a hand on Buck’s shoulder. The other man instantly tenses under his touch, Buck’s expression becoming tight and guarded.

“I’ll be better once I can see him again.” he whispers, voice choked and tongue feeling heavy in his mouth. It’s the only admission Buck can afford at the moment, not trusting his resolve to remain intact if he endeavours to divulge anything more.

Bobby nods in understanding and gives his shoulder a squeeze before letting go. “Go to him, we’ll take care of everything here.”

Hen and Chimney are at his side now and they make their agreement known. “Thanks.” Buck croaks, and Bobby steps aside to allow him to walk past and make his way to the locker room.

Buck changes into civilian clothing in record time, and takes a few minutes to wash the dirt and grime off of his face and out of his hair before heading over to Eddie’s house.

He figures he should give Carla and Christopher a heads up before bringing Eddie home, and the aforementioned man would likely enjoy being able to wear his own clothes instead of the grey sweatshirt and pants the hospital typically provides patients with.

Buck pulls into the driveway and watches the curtains in the front window rustle as he does so; Carla is opening the front door before he even has a chance to knock.

“You are a sight for sore eyes, Buckaroo.” she says, immediately pulling Buck into a crushing hug. He melts into her embrace, the comforting contact much needed after everything that has happened. They part after some time, and Carla holds Buck at arms length to make sure he’s still in one piece.

“I saw everything on the news, is Eddie with you?”

“No, he’s still at the hospital. I just came to get some clothes for him and then I’m gonna go pick him up.” Carla hums in acknowledgment and moves out of the doorway so that Buck can step through the threshold and into the house.

“Just be careful, Christopher is-”

“Hi Bucky!”

“-asleep.”

Christopher peeks his head out from the hallway and wobbles into the living room as soon as his eyes land on Buck, a toothy grin plastered across his face.

“Hey buddy, what are you doing up so late?” Buck chuckles as Chris practically crashes into him, wrapping his arms around his legs half in a hug and half for support.

“I was waiting for daddy,” Chris mumbles into Buck’s thigh, “is he here now?”

“Not yet, superman. But I’m gonna go get him soon and bring him home, okay?”

Christopher shakes his head enthusiastically and beams up at Buck, who gently wriggles free of the boy’s grasp enough to crouch down before him and speak to him on his level.

“Your daddy had a really rough night, Chris,” Buck explains delicately, trying to convey the severity of the situation without scaring Christopher, “so he’s gonna need your biggest hug when he gets home, alright?”

“I think I can do that.” Chris giggles in assent and Buck ruffles his hair before standing to guide him toward the couch where Carla is waiting for him.

“Why don’t you help me find something to watch on Netflix while we wait for your daddy?”

Buck wanders off to Eddie’s bedroom to find an outfit to bring with him to the hospital. He roots through both Eddie’s closet and his dresser before settling on a few articles that seem rather self-indulgent in hindsight.

He chooses a henley, one of his LAFD hoodies, and a pair of sweatpants, all of which carry the scent of Eddie’s cologne and detergent, and Buck has to steel himself as an intense wave of fondness washes over him.

With a bundle of clothes haphazardly folded in one hand, Buck walks back out into the living room and presses a quick kiss to the top of both Christopher and Carla’s heads before taking off and making his way to the hospital.

* * *

“Are you Mr. Diaz’s partner?” a nurse asks innocently when Buck steps up to the information kiosk in outpatient care. He doesn’t want to run the risk of being denied access, so he lies, and he would be damned if he said the word “yes” had never felt better rolling off of his tongue.

She smiles sweetly and guides Buck down the hall to a small room where Eddie waits perched upon a hospital bed, making a desperate attempt at keeping his eyes open by watching whatever is on the television overhead.

He does not immediately notice their presence and Buck takes the opportunity to assess his friend’s current state. Eddie’s face is clean and his dark hair is no longer matted to his forehead; he has a few deep cuts along his chin and jaw that seem to have been dressed, but aside from that he looks relatively unscathed.

“Mr. Diaz,” the nurse raps lightly at the door frame to announce their arrival, “I just need you to sign your discharge papers and then you’re free to go.”

Eddie lights up as soon as he sees Buck and absently nods in agreement toward the nurse before she leaves them.

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

“Like I was buried alive.” Eddie says in jest, instantly regretting his decision as Buck violently recoils at the memories his words dredge up.

“Sorry, that was definitely the wrong answer.”

“It’s alright,” Buck soothes, clearing his throat before extending the hand that holds Eddie’s clothes, “here, I thought you might want to change before heading home.”

Eddie looks up at him with a mixture of gratitude and something Buck can’t quite decipher. “You went to the house? Is Christopher…” he trails off, hoping Buck will know what he is asking after when his words suddenly fail him.

“He’s waiting for you with Carla.” Buck affirms, and Eddie bows his head to avert his gaze, expression unreadable.

“I’ll let you get dressed and you can meet me in the waiting room.”

“Thanks, Buck.” Eddie breathes as the blonde softly closes the door behind himself. It’s not enough, he knows that, but it’s about all Eddie can manage at the moment.

* * *

The ride home is quiet. Music plays faintly from the car radio and Buck allows Eddie to stare wistfully out the passenger’s side window, head propped up in one hand and cheek pressed against the glass.

Eddie’s anticipation intensifies the closer they get to the house and when they finally pull into the driveway, he’s unbuckling his seatbelt and opening the car door before the Jeep is even in park.

With a newfound vigor, he all but hurtles across the yard and up the front steps before throwing himself at Christopher’s feet where he stands before Carla in the doorway. Eddie envelops his son in an embrace tight enough to bruise and the young boy gives a joyous squeal in response.

“Daddy, you’re squeezing too hard!”

“Sorry buddy, I just had a bad day at work and I really missed you.” Eddie says, relinquishing his hold ever so slightly.

“I missed you too.” Chris murmurs, making his best attempt at reciprocating his father’s hug.

Buck watches the scene unfold from the driveway and can’t help the impossibly tender feeling that floods through his chest at the sight.

It’s bittersweet, because he knows he’ll always be the one on the outside looking in; Eddie considers Buck family, but their bond only runs so deep, and at the end of the day they both want different things. Buck wants too much.

He shuffles his feet, feeling out of place, realizing that Eddie has everything that he needs now, and meets Carla’s questioning gaze with a tepid smile before turning back to the Jeep.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

Eddie still has one arm draped around Christopher, but the other is outstretched, beckoning Buck to come closer. Buck doesn’t have to be told twice, because when Eddie allows himself these moments of vulnerability, Buck can believe that what he has is enough.

He closes the distance between them in just a few short strides and folds his arms around both Eddie and Christopher, the older of whom draws Buck in even closer by winding an arm around his waist.

“I need both of my boys right now.”

Buck props his chin on Eddie’s shoulder, and if the other man’s confession brings a gleam to his eyes then no one has to be the wiser.

Eventually Carla gets dragged down into the embrace as well and they all remain interlocked until Christopher becomes disinterested and squirms free. When they move to stand, Carla may or may not notice how Buck and Eddie cling to each other, but she doesn’t say anything.

“Thank you for staying so late to look after Chris.” Eddie says to Carla as they all step back into the house.

“It’s no trouble at all, really,” she placates, moving through the entryway to grab her coat and purse, “I’m just glad you two are alright.”

Carla pats Eddie’s upper arm and presses a kiss to both his and Buck’s cheeks as she brushes past them. “Take care of each other.”

“We will.” Eddie is quick to reply, and he holds Buck’s gaze as he says it. There is something enigmatic about his expression but Buck has to force himself to look away when Carla makes a small noise low in her throat.

“Uh, goodnight, Carla.” Buck stutters, but she’s already out of earshot and walking down the path to her car.

Eddie closes the door behind her and Buck redirects his thoughts to the young boy who is currently tugging at his pant leg in an attempt to garner his attention.

“Bucky, can we watch a movie?” Christopher begs as he teeters from foot to foot.

Buck can’t help but laugh in response, swooping down to pick Christopher up and sit him on his hip. Chris automatically wraps his arms around Buck’s neck and rests his head on the blonde’s chest, just above his heart.

Buck combs a hand through the boy’s curls and looks over his shoulder at the cable box beneath the television in the living room, wincing at the present time, which is just shy of 3 o’clock in the morning.

“I think we’re gonna have to take a rain check on that movie,” Buck says, readjusting his hold on Christopher with a slight grunt, “it is _way_ past your bedtime.”

Chris makes a faint noise in protest but his body betrays him as he yawns soon after, snuggling even further into Buck’s arms. Eddie pulls a face and reaches out as if to take Christopher off of Buck’s hands, but the younger man is able to pacify him with a single soft look.

“I’ve got him, go relax.”

Buck carries Christopher to his bedroom and gingerly nudges the door fully open with his shoulder. By the time he lays Chris down onto the bed, he’s already half asleep. Buck pulls the covers over him and tucks them under his chin before smoothing back his hair to press a gentle kiss to his forehead.

“Goodnight, Chris.”

“Goodnight, Bucky.” he mutters in reply with heavy-lidded eyes.

Buck eases the door shut behind himself and steps back out into the living room. Eddie is sitting on the couch and has his gaze fixed to the television in front of him; when Buck sees what the brunette is watching so intensely, he stops dead in his tracks.

It’s a news broadcast, and a female reporter is recounting the events of the past evening, first detailing Hayden’s rescue before going on to explain how a firefighter was lost after a frightening explosion caused by a lightning strike. Buck’s heart is in his throat and he feels as if everything is happening in slow motion.

The screen flickers to once live footage of the drilling rig being toppled over and then the camera trains on him as Buck’s past self launches himself bodily into the mud, thrashing and clawing his way down into the soil, screaming Eddie’s name in broken syllables until Bobby concedes and rips him away from the spot where Eddie went under.

When Eddie finally tears his eyes away from the television, his face is twisted almost as if in pain. He meets Buck’s gaze, searching for some kind of answer, and Buck is terrified of what he might find.

“Can you explain this to me?” Eddie implores, voice gruff and filled with a desperation that startles Buck.

Buck can’t speak, or look away, or even blink. He feels frozen, fear like ice in his veins juxtaposed with the burning sensation in his throat and lungs. It’s getting harder to breathe and he thinks he might be having a panic attack, but he has to say something, because Eddie won’t stop looking at him and he doesn’t know how much more of this deafening silence he can take.

“I’m sorry, I-” Buck whispers, and then lowers his voice even further, if it’s even possible, “I didn’t want you to see this.”

“Why not?”

Buck really doesn’t want to do this, because he knows Eddie doesn’t feel the same, he _can’t_. Eddie is not ready to move on, especially not with him. But then Eddie is reaching out to him, and he takes his hand, and Buck can’t help but squeeze back; he knows then that he doesn’t get a choice, he has to tell Eddie now because he’s asking for the truth and Buck can’t deny him that, he can’t deny him anything, he can’t be another person in Eddie’s life who has let him down.

“I thought I had lost you, I thought you were trapped down there, alone and scared and cold, and I just wanted you to know that I was with you, that I wasn’t giving up, that I will _never_ give up on you.” Buck laments, still holding Eddie’s gaze, even as he feels hot tears begin to prick at the corners of his eyes. He needs Eddie to know that he means every word, he needs him to be able to see it.

“You and Christopher are the two most important people in my life, and I will always want to be your friend and to be here for the both of you, but I can’t keep pretending I don’t feel something more.”

“I won’t lie to you and say that I wasn’t so distraught last night because,” Buck’s voice catches in his throat, but he knows if he stops now he won’t be able to start again, so he pushes through, “because I thought I would never get the chance to tell you that I love you.”

“Buck…”

“It’s alright, I know you don’t feel the same, how could you? You’re barely over your loss of Shannon, you can’t even talk to me about her yet. You can’t tell me anything about what keeps you up at night.”

“Buck…”

“Please, just let me finish. I don’t want you to think anything has to change between the two of us, what I have now is enough, you are enough. I-”

“Buck!” Eddie shouts, yanking on the other man’s arm to pull him down next to him, “You’re putting words in my mouth, give me a chance to respond.”

“I’m sorry.” Buck sobs, tears flowing freely now and he drops his eyes to where their hands are held together in Eddie’s lap. The brunette waits for only a beat before he slides a trembling hand beneath Buck’s chin to recapture his gaze. Eddie cradles his head like he’s something precious, and Buck thinks his heart might just give out.

“Don’t be. For this, for how you feel, for anything. I should be the one apologizing, for leaving you under the impression that you don’t mean just as much to me as I do to you. When I was trapped, I-”

“Eddie, you don’t have to force yourself to talk about it.”

“No, Buck, I want to do this. I need you to know that I trust you with this,” Eddie chooses to punctuate his confession by pressing Buck’s palm to his chest, “and with this.” Buck makes a broken sound at that.

“When I was trapped, I kept calling out to anyone that might hear me. For a moment,” he pauses, finds some hidden courage within himself, “I thought I was going to die down there. But I could _feel_ you there; I kept thinking of Christopher, and of you, and I knew I had to keep fighting to get back to the two of you.”

“I love you, Evan, but I can’t promise you this will be easy. There’s still a lot I can’t talk about, and I can’t expect you to be okay with that.”

Eddie’s words excise all of the fear from Buck’s body, and a timid smile returns to his lips, as watery as it may be. The hardest part is over; he knows that Eddie is here with him now, and all he has to do is convince him to stay.

“Will you let me decide what I can and can’t handle? I know what I want, and I’m ready for this, for all of it,” he clenches the hand that Eddie still has placed over his heart, fingers digging into the fabric of his hoodie, “as long as you are too.”

Eddie pushes their foreheads together, closing his eyes and taking a single deep breath to ground himself. “I’m ready.”

Buck stays quiet, wanting to preserve this moment for just a while longer. He knows they still have a lot to talk about, but they’re going to be alright, they’re going to figure it all out, together.

“If you can’t put something down, if you can’t share the burden and let me help you carry it, promise that you’ll let me carry you.”

Something inside Eddie breaks and he answers Buck’s declaration by closing what little distance still exists between them and presses their lips together in a first tentative kiss.

Buck is quick to reciprocate, pulling Eddie impossibly closer and pouring every drop of love he has to give into the other man. There is no heat to the kiss, but Eddie’s lips are soft and warm as they move against his, and it’s everything, coming with the promise of more.

Eventually they part for breath and with Eddie this close Buck can clearly see the dark circles beneath his eyes and the exhaustion behind his dopey smile. “You need to sleep.”

“Stay with me?” Eddie asks after a pause, hands beginning to wander, ghosting across Buck’s jaw and settling at the nape of his neck. He looks nervous, as if Buck might still reject him, even after everything that has been said.

“Of course.” Buck softens, smoothing the furrow between Eddie’s brow with a featherlight kiss brushed against his forehead. He takes back one of Eddie’s hands and pulls him up off the couch, leading him down the hall to the bedroom.

Eddie is content to just collapse into the bed as is, the euphoria of the morning’s revelations waning as he struggles to stay standing. He rummages through a drawer and tosses the first pair of sweatpants he finds in Buck’s direction.

Eddie crawls into bed with sluggish movements and is almost asleep when he feels the mattress dip behind him. Buck presses into his back, slinging an arm around his waist to pull Eddie closer.

“I might have a nightmare, just so you know.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Buck reassures him, tightening his grip for emphasis. Eddie’s breathing evens out soon after and with that sleep takes Buck easily.

Eddie ends up having a fitful sleep, as expected. He is not suddenly cured of his trauma, as much as he would like to be. But he knows things are going to get better, because when he screams into the dark, there are now two strong arms that wrap him up in a tight embrace and the warm comfort of a body pressed against his. Buck is here now, and he is able to gently remind Eddie that he is safe, he is loved, and he is home.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for making it this far! Kudos and comments will make me want to write more, and also probably make me cry. Come talk to me on tumblr at [tytonidaae](https://tytonidaae.tumblr.com/) if you want to complain together about how long it's taking the writers to let these boys be happy, or if you want to send me prompts? idk. Drink water and do something that makes you smile.


End file.
